Belong.

You held me close, said don’t let go and I fell into the arms of another

Skinned your knee, the rule of three, strike out the feelings of others

My mother concedes, press on the womb, but it feels so much more like a tomb

And I’ve escaped this alone.

 

My greatest fear, I’d keep you here, all you claimed was your freedom

I’m the same, selfish blame, my kids & the will to release them

Weeks spent between, swaddled here, amidst the loss of connection

Dreamt of you, and the chance to renew, do you still think of me too ?

And all you held in your hands, was never part of the plan. A page in the same book, no one but you and I understand— all that you hate, all that you love , blurring the lines just to make it up…and we made it up as we went along

I don’t belong.

Happy for you, but that’s a lie too, when you left me here to latch on

To someone new, no one like you, the potent lure of dependence

Smallness of self, the weight of the earth and each new passing day

From here, from my birth

No more protecting your worth

 

This will get easier with each passing day, I hold onto you until the memory fades…

 

Advertisements

Distance

I’ve accumulated too much, and I want to strip it bare, but still, nowhere. What tickles my spine when the nerves in my fingertips go numb, and I‘m left here staring at blank pages waiting for the words to come. Or the answers, shouting orders so I don’t turn the psyche off and run.

I am inescapable, I am a throne to myself, my worst fears and enemies from foreign lands welcomed in by my own hand.

Staring at the clock hands, digitized, meeting unrealistic demands, to slow down and shut off, pushing the mountain closer to my feet, as the steep fall becomes dreadful. Attention to the distance, my footing as precarious as the unknown.

I fall, I fall. Until there’s only the breath left in the air. Acquiesce, all those who knew me here.

I Get It

I get it why people get dogs, write break-up songs, I get it all.

I see why we fight, regardless of who’s right- how you feel.

Don’t we just pretend to

care?

Why it was never that simple.

I get that now.

I see the daylight rise while breathing out those we’ve lost.

I get it all.

Where the coffee pursed my lips, the mirage of October waiting in the wings.

And I get why we play dress up, trick or treat, lie to ourselves, lie to our friends.

I mistook our lies for friendship.

How expendable we are.

The beginning never resembles the end.

I almost forget why I came. And I don’t feel the same.

It breaks my heart to know what we left on the table.

Why we gave it away.

I get it, I get it, I get it all now.

Lit Up

I rise and I fall,
so what.
My mind is a racetrack.
I want it all and I want it back,
so what.
I’ve been here before: flashbacks, retreat and starting over.
Not as a rule, just survival.
My mind takes off again.
And there is no plug, no light switch.
There is no way I want this as my routine again.
I gave up so much the last time I got out of the ward.
So what.

Mind peeling away the rinds and underneath I find that I am responsible for the output, and what goes in, and nothing more.

Joyride

I don’t want this ride to end.
So you see it for what it is.
Rainbow spew and hearts renewed
fighting the good fight no one ever wins.

I don’t want this ride to end.
Somewhere ripped from the headlines,
Internet stole you and forced smiles all around.
Look at your facade now.
Nothing to fear, and nothing to dread.
I don’t want this ride to end.

We all run out of gas.
All the exhaust hangs on, hangs out.
You breathe it in and swear its all you have.
There are rings of smoke everywhere you look.
Hide under the low lying clouds, where sunlight has it’s way with you.

I don’t want this ride to end.
Keep your eyes on what’s ahead
…and your hands on the wheel.

Fear of Falling (13th & Chestnut)

I am a sunbeam- a laser beam, the terror stream
Relentless and unborn
Ripped the cap of too many Olde E’s
Stripped the sidewalk, battle worn, re-born (again)
so I can tear myself apart
“You don’t have the guts” she said,
far too gone to start
maimed, and pulled back from the ledge
where I saw my roommates and good friends teeter on the verge, feet across the edge
foolish youth and the sad things we dread.

Me, peering from the scourge
too many memories, not so fond
(A learning process to just hold on)
Long enough to pull me apart and leave me there
crouched in the background, my idle mind
with the empty bottle, the soul to purge,
what was left to keep- what’s yours is yours, what’s yours is mine
The nearest life bleeding and new life, new breathe found
and the cold winter air.
I promised myself that would BE THE LAST TIME!

I don’t want either of you to die, plummet nine stories below.
So I’ll hold you up in mind, my memory careening, inaction;
left on the ledge, afraid to leave
equally terrified to live.