afraid.

Knocking on the door, and I know I’ve felt like this before. This road led to an impasse, all I had, but that’s all gone. What has gotten into you? Maybe I never knew, maybe we never do.

I can’t hurt you from here—I can only hurt myself.

This coffee is stale, or maybe it’s my mood, does it really matter to you? Mine is the oil contrasting the ocean—black out the rest of the world. What has gotten into you? Maybe I never knew, maybe we never do.

Bleeding hearts of every color. Until the pain makes room for more.

I’m afraid. Afraid to go anywhere, to do anything. Outside I hear people move, from place to place, town to town. So you think I’m cool as shit, when I’m losing it, and I’m done with this. No more appeal, throwing shade on all that’s real. I will make this place my home.

Uncomfortably until I’m numb. Comfortable, and then I’m done.

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ANTS

Piss on this nonsense,
You can’t make believe
with something in a constant state of sleep,
wakes when you’re not paying attention,
a surprise every time.
Wet dreams, drowning in sweat,
thinking “is this the best it will ever get??”
Can’t conceive of another way to take you on,
but it’s all a joke anyway.
These tattoos won’t dissolve,
when we thought it was a good idea,
and now that’s gone.
Mistakes. Pulled skin.
Tightly absorbed and interweaved.
This feeling almost pulsates, without origin, without a home,
cause you got no cause for alarm,
just the call of infallible silence.
Your head swims in it.

Here among the crowd, the people marching like ants
walking the mall,
a dedication I’ll never understand.
We aren’t alike- that’s cool.
One more tab under the tongue,
fools, everyone of you.
I am nothing like that,
breaking a pattern I never understood.
And it really makes no difference.
We all march sooner than later.

Passenger

Places people and things
Don’t mean anything
if you allow it all back in
whenever it can
Talking with no walking,
Words and lip service and derailed again
My mind a sieve, walked on by myself, makes no sense
Somehow I thought I had this licked
Still the pariah, with the wounds and pricks
The past careening into my neck
At break neck speed snapped me back into my seat
Flung me out in the street
Roadkill and rubber neck
Trampled under foot from all those who wished me dead
It was a bitter pill to choke down
I wish there was more of a warning this time
I relied on you and I don’t know why?
All this love to give, my expectation that you would just bandage me up.
Band aids on a twelve inch cut,
Seriously fucked
Bled out, strip search
And I’d say something like “this will be the last time”,
but I’ve learned enough
call my own bullshit and let the past creep
back in…
to take over
yet again.